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Living in Smoke
a play by Emmanuella
Nduonofit
CHARACTERS
PETER, a legislator’s son
CHARLIE, a senator’s son
SAM, a civil servant’s son
MONICA, a politician’s
daughter
ANGELA, a judge’s daughter
ASSUMPTA, a farmer’s
daughter
(In a small but expensively
furnished room, there is great merry-making
amongst a party of five university
undergraduates: PETER, CHARLIE, MONICA, ANGELA
and ASSUMPTA. There is a lot of wine-drinking
and intense smoking. Random music of the latest
Black American pop stars is being played from a
heavy-set 2-loader CD player situate at a corner
of the room. ANGELA is more reserved than the
rest. She does not smoke and she takes her
glass of wine in minute quantities. In the
thick midst of merry-making, CHARLIE steals a
few glances at her and looks away when caught.
After a few minutes, CHARLIE staggers to his
feet and raises up his glass.)
CHARLIE: I salute, my
people. (All raise glasses) I am happy to
proclaim that the budget has reached its first
trillion.
ASSUMPTA: Yes, O!
Just look at the amount given to agriculture.
During the regimes past, the nation was willing
to spend an atomic amount on that sector.
ANGELA: Hm! I just hope
this sumptuous budget will reduce crime rate.
ASSUMPTA: Forget
that, Angela. There will always be criminals.
PETER: This is great
news. That means that Abacha’s loot has been
wholesomely recovered.
CHARLIE: Peter, you tongue
is flippant. Is Abacha the only human being
that looted? Who told you that it was loot that
made the government rich? Have you forgotten
that Abacha can lay claims to that loot? What
makes you think that the loot was fully
recovered?
MONICA: Haba, Charlie!
How many questions will Peter answer at once?
PETER: I believe you
went to school, Monica. Haven’t you heard of
rhetorical questions? Questions that will make
you think and think and think till your head
pops out.
CHARLIE: Ever since birth,
people have always been thinking. Till date, we
are still thinking. It’s time we stop thinking.
PETER: (stands up)
Yes! This is my fatherland. Let us help our
fathers to make this nation a great nation.
(sits down and takes out a pen and paper) An
idea just struck me. Let us create national
development plans to help aid our fathers in
their climb to national integrity. It will be
restricted to us, the youths. As you know, we
are the leaders of tomorrow. (pauses) Abeg,
Charlie, you know the latest cigarette brand?
CHARILE: Let me think. A
cool friend of mine told me, O! And I even
smoked it from him.
PETER: (eagerly) Men,
how does it taste?
CHARLIE: Heaven! You will
be in heaven. Just try it.
ANGELA: Ladies, it looks
like the men are not yet ready or don’t want to
be ready to climb to national integrity.
CHARLIE: Ladies, we need
to be high in order for our thought processes to
flow fine. We need to charge our brains for
ideas to come to paper from pen. Le pen. We
need to be up and strong for plans to come to
fruition. What better way than to live in
smoke!
MONICA: Charlie, what was
the name of the brand you smoked that took you
to heaven?
CHARLIE: Yes
International.
ASSUMPTA: Humph!
I’ve smoked better brands.
ANGELA: I think the first
development plan is the creation of
rehabilitation centres for straying youths.
PETER: (writes) That’s
good. That’s very good. I have an idea: the
creation of universities in all the villages.
MONICA: (excited) I have
an idea, too. Balanced salaries to all
undergraduates and instant employment to all
graduates. (pause) Have you tried London?
PETER: No. How is
that?
ASSUMPTA: Don’t mind
Peter. He is a slacker. Someone needs a heavy
nail and hammer to break the rock that you are.
(pause) Well, how about worldwide and up-to-date
education and knowledge to the uneducated young?
PETER: (writes) That’s
a fantastic idea! (pauses) Nobody said Benson
and Hedges, Rothmans…
ASSUMPTA: (shakes
her head) Mba-mba-mba! (smokes and drinks)
CHARLIE: OK. What about
Memphis, Marlboro?
MONICA: (nods vigorously)
Ehe! Now you’re talking. We need brands we
have never seen before.
(SAM enters.)
SAM: Ah! My people, if you
need a brand you have never seen before, then
check this out. (fishes out a self-made,
paper-wrapped cigarette from his shirt pocket) I
salute you.
PETER: (hails) Sam,
Sam! Na wetin be dis, ol’ boy?
SAM: (proudly) Dem dey call
am Mari-J. I have spent my entire life savings
to get it. E no dey easy, O!!
ANGELA: (snaps her
fingers) Kai! You try.
(SAM sits down proudly on
the settee. CHARLIE summons PETER secretly to a
corner of the room.)
(THEIR ASIDE:)
CHARLIE: Men, I really
feel her. (thumbs at ANGELA)
PETER: Who?
CHARLIE: Angela. She
really gets to me.
PETER: (heaves a sigh)
Really, Charles, you’ve got to get strong rein
over your emotions. For you to feel Angela
gives me a strong sense of presentiment and
foreboding.
CHARLIE: C’mon, men! You
know what I mean. I really dig dis babe.
PETER: OK then. Why
don’t you wait until you get to school? You can
just go to the archaeological department and
tell them to give you shovel to enable you dig.
But not Angela! Don’t dig Angela!
CHARLIE: (angrily) Peter,
don’t you understand? I want Angela to be
mine. I’ve been having her in my mind for long
now.
PETER: How long?
CHARLIE: Long enough. Too
long sef.
PETER: You really got
me confused, Charlie. You feel her. You dig
her. I mean, the act of feeling and digging
someone just didn’t suit my sort of intellect.
CHARLIE: Humph! As if you
have an intellect at all. Abeg, don’t make me
change the subject.
PETER: I think I do,
because it tells me that you should have known
that Angela is the daughter of a magistrate
judge, and you are the son of a senate
president.
CHARLIE: So?
PETER: The Senate and
the Judiciary don’t mix.
CHARLIE: How do you mean?
PETER: The way the
Senate dictates the amount of their salaries has
not favoured the Judiciary one bit. The Senate
people are a bunch of biased people, but the
Judiciary is not.
CHARLIE: By the time you
realise that statement of yours has put you into
trouble, it will be too late. What has that got
to do with this?
PETER: If ever your
parents and hers find out, you both will be in
soup. Let me put it that way.
CHARLIE: What is wrong? I
just want to ask her out.
PETER: One thing can
lead to another, and I won’t be there to stop
you. I am a mere son of a lawmaker. I love
myself, as you see me so. I follow the law of
everything.
CHARLIE: Get out! Follow
the law of everything my nyash!
PETER: Ah! To
legislate is not a day’s job, O! You should see
my father in action.
CHARLIE: I see. While
your father is “in-action”, his own son is
“inactive” to the need of a friend.
PETER: Na you no,
Charlie. Me, I shall not violate the law
concerning this. (turns) I show you my back.
(turns back)
CHARLIE: (grunts) Humph!
Which law you write, Peter? What law? There is
no law concerning this.
PETER: Charles, there
is, O! There is. Just find it out and obey.
Simple. Let’s go join the others.
(When they return to the
settee, SAM is proudly sniffing his “Mari-J”
while the ladies are speaking amongst themselves
in low tones. Soon, their conversation comes to
an end.)
CHARLIE: Being the son of
a legislator does not make you a legislator,
Peter.
PETER: This is my
fatherland. I must assist my father in
nation-building.
ANGELA: Then, why were
you two at a corner whispering to yourselves as
if you both had something up your sleeves, some
ulterior motives, some hidden agenda? Is that
part of building a nation?
SAM: (grunts) Humph!
Build! If you know what it took my father, an
ordinary level-four civil servant, to build his
one and only house in the village, then you will
know that the word “build” is a most dreaded
word. His pocket was completely torn on sand,
cement, water and gravel. He also had to make
sure that the builders were building. He
supervised more than the supervisor he hired.
It has been two solid years since the house was
completed, and till this very day, he is still
paying the debts he owes concerning that house.
(looks heavenwards) God, let him finish payment
before he dies in Jesus Name. Amen. (pauses)
And now, you want to build a nation. Go ahead,
if you love the wahala. If building a house is
hell, then you could imagine what building a
nation would be, especially this nation.
PETER: (eyes him
viciously) With your pessimistic nature, Sam, we
will be unable to start the very foundation of
this nation.
SAM: (shrugs) Me, I no go
contribute. I believe this nation has already
been built. If you think you can build it
straight or crooked or patch-patch, it is left
to you. Na una sabi. (begins to light his
“Mari-J”)
PETER: (ignores him)
Any more ideas on nation-building?
CHARLIE: (smokes) Yes!
For the sake of the youths who are doing this
country a favour by pouring goods of excellent
standards into this country, I say that there
should be a reduction of tax on those goods.
(smokes)
PETER: (writes) Not
bad, not bad at all.
ANGELA: Improved
personnel in government jobs and private
enterprises.
ASSUMPTA: (smokes)
Better and contemporary farming equipments for
the young to handle.
MONICA: Improved
strategies in politics to pave the way for the
young. (smokes)
ANGELA: Absolute
eradication of all types of corruption,
including smoking. (gets up)
(All display shock, except
SAM, who inhales his “Mari-J” with great
delight.)
SAM: (heavenly excited) My
people, come and take a smoke of this. You will
never regret you did, I assure you.
(As if pulled by a magnet,
PETER, CHARLIE, ASSUMPTA and MONICA drop their
individually lit cigarettes and share SAM’S
“Mari-J”. ANGELA looks on with disgust. They
all get intoxicated by it.)
PETER: (heavenly) My
God, this is it! All around I see white.
CHARLIE: Yes! Everything
white. As white as smoke. This is the smoke of
the century, the smoke of all smokes.
(ASSUMPTA and MONICA nod
their approval. SAM nods with utmost pride as
he collects back his “Mari-J” and smokes it
gently.)
SAM: (dreamily) This is the
life. I hail thee, Mari-J!!
ANGELA: (angrily) The
Federal Ministry of Health warns that smokers
are liable to die young.
(Everyone else bursts out
laughing as they resume smoking their
cigarettes. CHARLIE goes to her.)
CHARLIE: My dearest and
sweetest and loveliest angel…
ANGELA: (interrupts him
by briefly covering his mouth with three of her
fingers) Tah! Don’t you ever speak to me with
that smoke-coated mouth of yours again! (smashes
her glass of wine on the floor)
(The laughter gradually
dies. PETER frowns.)
PETER: (angrily) What
did you do that for? I did not invite you here
to start breaking things.
ANGELA: (confronts him)
What happened, my dear national development plan
writer, to your climb to national integrity?
Did the ladder break? Did the rope twist on
you? Are you a mere toddler at mountaineering?
MONICA: Haba! How many
questions will Peter…
PETER: Quit taunting
me, you bitch!
CHARLIE: (feebly) Listen,
Angela. You’ve got to be careful, you know.
We’re all very high, you know, and this is just
a party, you know.
ANGELA: (barks) That’s
the problem! This party! This party is the
problem! You talk about this, you talk about
that, with a mountainous plate of food in front
of you, which the lowest section of the society
never prepared in their wretched homes before.
Think of it, Charlie, as you live in your smoke
of disorder, smoke of corruption, smoke of
immaturity. Smoking is corrupt. That is why it
must be eradicated. Write that down, Peter!
ASSUMPTA: Peter,
also put down absolute freedom of speech for
young women, absolute independence for young
women, the eradication of girl-child marriages,
the eradication of misarranged marriages, the
right for young women to own properties and the
right for young women to become presidents of
the nation. (giggles and smokes)
PETER: (annoyed) Stop
this! I am fed up!! (drops pen and paper on the
table)
MONICA: (sarcastically)
Yes, why wouldn’t you be? Because it’s an
all-women affair. You should know that women
make up the greatest percentage of the
populace. We are very special.
SAM: (angrily) Ehhh!? So
you mean that man without woman is nothing?
Nonsense!! (begins to cough)
ASSUMPTA: That is
your assumption, Sam, but you should know that
women are an important species.
CHARLIE: Sam, she is
right. Women are an important species, you
know, a specimen to be sampled and tested in
laboratories. And we, the men, are the
laboratories.
(The men burst into raucous
laughter while the women fold their arms and
look on with anger on their faces. SAM’S
laughter increases his cough.)
ANGELA: (confronts
CHARLIE and points a finger at his face) You,
Charlie, I believe that you own tongue is
flippant.
CHARLIE: (happily)
Finally, it seems that I have gotten your
attention, angel. (holds her hands) I have had
my eyes on you for some time. You’re so
beautiful and I need you. What are we going to
do about it? (winks at her) Would you like to
come to my laboratory?
(PETER resumes laughing
while SAM battles with his cough. ANGELA slaps
CHARLIE on his cheek. He moves back, stung.)
ANGELA: I’ve already
warned you never to speak to me with smoke in
your mouth.
(This time, it is the
women’s turn to laugh as she walks away from
him. CHARLIE touches his cheek.)
CHARLIE: Wow! That was
one hell of a slap, Angela. I saw stars.
ANGELA: Don’t worry. You
haven’t seen anything yet. (ASSUMPTA and MONICA
laugh together.)
CHARLIE: I am the man for
you, baby. Won’t you go out with me? (PETER
laughs)
ANGELA: (shakes her
head) Dream on.
(ASSUMPTA and MONICA jeer
at CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE: (amazed) Men, I
never knew I could be this bold.
PETER: Well, don’t let
it get into your head, as I’ve warned you
before.
CHARLIE: Shut up, you dis
killjoy!
(ANGELA and ASSUMPTA run to
SAM, who has fallen to the floor, shaking and
sweating. ANGELA puts his head on one of her
laps. MONICA looks at her wristwatch.)
MONICA: (surprised) Na so
time dey fly? Abeg, my people, I have an
appointment with a Pol. Science student. (puts
out her cigarette and exits)
(ASSUMPTA crouches and dabs
off the sweat from SAM’S face. He shakes
uncontrollably. Annoyed, CHARLIE turns his back
on them.)
ANGELA: My dear Sam,
what is wrong?
(Feebly, SAM raises up his
unfinished “Mari-J”. ASSUMPTA takes it away
from him.)
ANGELA: Oh you stubborn
naughty boy! The Federal Ministry of Health
warned you. I warned you, didn’t I?
(Slowly, SAM nods in
response, looking at her. He coughs again and
starts to foam at the mouth.)
ANGELA: (to ASSUMPTA) Go
and call for help now! (ASSUMPTA gets up)
PETER: Wait, wait!
What do you think you are doing? This is a
party and I don’t want disturbance.
ASSUMPTA: (angrily) O
boy, you dey craze??
PETER: Na you wey
craze pass! Na you wey craze catch well well,
idiot!
ANGELA: Sam, don’t die
on me! Sam!!
SAM: (smiles weakly) M-M-My
b-b-beautiful angel… (dies)
ANGELA: (shocked) Oh my
God! Assumpta, go and call for help now!!
PETER: Mba! No
disturbance, Angela! Are you crazy? Do you
know who we are? I mean, we are children of
important, well-placed aristocrats. Can you
imagine what will happen if all sorts of human
beings come into this place? Think of it,
Angela.
ANGELA: (gets up) So,
Peter, you think this is the time to think, eh?
(to CHARLIE) You were right, Charlie. It is
time we stop thinking. Action speaks louder
than thoughts. Can you see what living in smoke
has done to him? (points at SAM) And I don’t
personally care if I am a daughter of an
aristocrat. I am Angela, not a child of some
common magistrate judge.
ASSUMPTA: I am
getting tired of this bandying of words. I’m
going to call for help. (exits)
PETER: (calls after
her) Assumpta, you’re crazy! (pauses) Well,
Angela, I personally wouldn’t say that your
father is ‘common’ because he is not. He is
well-placed and well-respected in the society.
ANGELA: (crouches beside
SAM) Is that the issue at hand now? Sam is our
friend. We have to save him. Can’t you see
that he is dying?
PETER: Well, that is a
problem, isn’t it? (looks over him and shrugs)
He should try and save himself. As for me, I do
not want death on my own hands. Let me promptly
and officially declare this party over.
Charlie, I dey waka, O. (exits)
ANGELA: O God! Where
did this madness come from? (looks down at SAM)
CHARLIE: (turns) Well, I
can see that you prefer ordinary, common, dead
men like Sam to handsome, important, promising
men like me.
ANGELA: (gets up) What
the hell are you saying, Charlie?? Are you well
at all??
CHARLIE: (angrily) I am
well, thank you very much! (brief pause) By the
time you realise your mistake, it would be too
late, and I won’t be there any longer.
ANGELA: Listen to me
carefully, Charlie. Even if you and I were the
only human beings on planet earth, I would
prefer death in order to leave you all alone, in
order to show you the meaning of being lonely.
(Angrily, CHARLIE exits. She goes, turns off the
VCD player and returns to SAM) Good riddance to
bad rubbish! (pauses) Sam, hang on! Just wait.
Be patient. Help is coming. Don’t go yet.
(pauses) Well, if you have to go, which I
believe you must have from the look on your
face, then plead our cause to God. Ijeoma. May
your pathway be soft and tender. (cradles him
and kisses him)
CURTAINS
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